A holy thought

When I had the rhizotomy procedure on my back, it was supposed to last for 6 months.  It went well beyond that, and I am so grateful. It is a good thing to remember how bad things were and how much it was helped.

Especially now.  These last few months, the back has definitely been feeling it.  It's not the nerve pain down my legs, just the regular arthritis, degenerative disc, overuse of muscle pain.

I get frustrated because it seems like there aren't many options for me.  I can't do pain pills for a variety of reasons...plus it's not a long term solution...I need to get a good chiropractor and/or masseuse, but that just alleviates, doesn't fix. Whine whine whine. 

After Christmas, Steve hurt his back pretty badly.  He's got a big fancy brace and gets to take medicines, and hopefully they will be able to fix him.  And so in my selfishness, I'm like "hey, that's no fair!"

It's stupid I know.

So last week was kind of emotional for me.  I found myself getting angry a lot.  What I came to realize was that because I was in so much pain, I had nothing left, and therefore my fuse was super short.

I asked for lots of prayer on Sunday, both for myself and for Steve.  After they prayed for awhile, I was asked if I felt anything.  No... But I did have this picture come to mind...

I was browsing around the internet, wasting time...it was one of those. "Here's what you can do with your leftover crap" picture things.  One picture was a fence that had a lot of holes in it. The holes were filled in with glass stones or marbles.

So here's my thought.  What if God is calling me to live with pain? Even if it's just for another month, that's a long time when you are in pain...and what if it's ten years like my mom before she found healing...or what if it's the rest of my life...am I doomed to be a grumpy pain in the butt to my loved ones? I don't think anyone wants that.

So I'm the hole-y fence, and Jesus is going to fill in the holes with beauty...with jewels..with whatever...he's going to fill in the gaps because as a fence, I can't grow new parts. 

So theres my deep and and holy thought for the day.

Shelly

My dear friend Shelly passed away this last Sunday after a long battle with brain cancer.

My friendship with her was, in many ways, due to her cancer. It defined our relationship.

I had had some interactions with Shelly via an online church forum, and sort of met her in the bathroom at a wedding. My first real introduction to her was really the day before she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I was pregnant with Willow. For some reason, after getting her car back to her house (b/c she couldn't drive from the pain), I felt compelled to clean her apartment. I was very pregnant and very lazy. She moved out of that apartment shortly after - her mom moved to Philly and they found a different place together.

I didn't know her well enough when she was having the surgery and the rehab, and when Willow was born, she and her mom showed up at the hospital. I was very surprised b/c, like I said, i didn't know her that well yet. She brought a baby gift - a little pink bunny. That is still Willow's favorite stuffed animal that she sleeps with every night.

We were both out of the hospital, and she couldn't drive. We started taking her to church with us. I started hanging out with her. As she got better, she would drive us places and babysit. She's the one who taught Willow how to do most things with crafts. She taught her how to use a computer. She had unending patience and a gentle spirit.

Once, she almost broke my kid. I think it was Rose. I had told her that Rose could crawl down the stairs, but Rose tried to walk down (Shelly couldn't lift her). So Rose tumbled to the bottom. She was totally fine, not even a scratch - but I did like to tease her about almost breaking my kid.

We would regularly go out for breakfast in those earlier days - I'd tell her stories about our family, and we'd joke that I needed to draw her a family tree. She repeated herself a lot, and sometimes forgot things, but honestly, I didn't know her as a different person.

She came to visit us in TX after we moved. She was sweet and patient with my grandmother - she even seemed to enjoy playing cards with my grandmother (my most dreaded chore). Even though she dealt with her own issues, she always asked after Mama T. and how she was doing. She cared deeply about how we were doing spiritually.

It meant so much to me that Willow was baptized before Shelly died. I think it really meant a lot to Shelly to know that Willow had chosen to do this, and on the day of her baptism, I was very sad that Shelly was not with us to celebrate.

I got to see her this summer. We were praying for her at church when I was overcome by grief and weeping as I hugged her. The moment passed, and after church, a group of us went out to lunch. She enjoyed drawing pictures with Willow and Rose. When we left Philly to head back to the shore, Steve said "I have a feeling that may be the last time the girls see her". And that's when it hit me. That grief I had felt at church was the grief of losing her. I think God was beginning to prepare me for that happening soon.

The Thursday before she died, I called to talk to her mom. She put Shelly on the phone. She couldn't talk - there were just quiet vocalizations. I don't even really remembered what I told her. I know I told her we loved her, and that I wanted her to rest in the arms of Jesus and to feel His peace.

The day that she died I was at church. We had just finished pre-church prayer, I went to check my phone. I had a text from a friend asking if I was going to make it out. Instantly, I knew what it was about. I got on Facebook and saw the post saying she had passed. I was with friends who had been regularly praying for her. I cried. I went to tell my girls. They were so sad. Willow, crying, said "I was just looking at a picture we drew together this morning". We hugged and felt our sadness. It was hard. It is hard to feel grief and loss, but it is necessary to feel it to move through it.

I was very thankful for Facebook that day - reading other people's remembrances helped me as I grieved.

Last year, as Shelly began to decline, she asked me if I wanted her to remove herself from the girls' lives. Without even a thought, I said "no, you are a part of our family." and she was. She was a friend, an aunt, a godmother in the spiritual sense of the word. I told the girls what Shelly had asked. They both said "Shelly is a part of our family. We love her"

She is and we do.

Food

I came across this blog entry, and it really put into words what I've felt in regards to eating with others, going out to eat, etc... It's something I really enjoy doing, but something that feels like such a high-maintenance challenge with my food avoidances.

It's been a year, or a little more, now since going gluten and dairy free. I'm also finding that potatoes are a once in a while food for me, and that eggs may be causing some issues as well.  Grr.

It may seem silly... but having a dog is helping. I can worry about her issues instead of my own ;)  Over the summer, I had to particular episodes of anxiety/panic that upon reflection when I was calm, were both related to food issues.

I've read that when you eliminate problem foods, that often they can be introduced back into the diet after allowing your gut to heal.  It's possible that I may be able to do this at some point. It's possible I could try it now... but the reality for me is that the thought of doing it at this point causes me anxiety.

So for now, it continues. Hooray.

A Dog!

The last time I had a dog as a pet, I was probably less than 6 yrs old.  I've wanted a dog for a long time. Recently, things came together in the right way at the right time for that to happen.

Now, go ahead and judge me. I didn't get my dog from a shelter. I've wanted a papillon for a long time now for a variety of reasons. I did check adoption groups, etc... but I wasn't interested in a senior dog at this time.

I found a lady online, and googled the heck out of it to make sure she wasn't a scam.  We met her a pet store on Saturday, and got a dog.

Her name is Lily. She's already bonding with me, and doing well. She's 7 months old.

And now the obsession over "is she pooping enough" begins. Fun times.

She's small - just over 3 pounds. She probably won't get much bigger. I really never saw myself as having such a small dog. Papillons can be up to 11-12 pounds. But again, a variety of factors were in play here, and when it's all said and done, i do feel like she was the right choice for many reasons.

So.

I'm a dog person now.

Or I'm a cat person that has a dog who is pretty cat-like. Haha.

Quick Update

I've gotten in such a habit of putting pictures and captions on facebook that I haven't thought to blog in awhile.

We drove across the country - which is something I swore I would never do again. The kids did great. I was a little whiny after about 48 hours in the car in total.  The time at the shore was wonderful - seeing Philly friends again after 4 years was wonderful.

I'm busy with teaching...maybe that's why I'm not blogging more - b/c the things going on that are interesting to me are things I can't share b/c of respecting people's privacy, and that's a very big chunk of life right now.

I just did some Suzuki teacher training. It was wonderful. I learned a lot, had a lot of insights.

I saved up a lot of moolah to bring my kids to Suzuki camp this week and to give them the treat of staying on campus. We're having a wonderful time. Of course both kids had meltdowns today and one kid misses Fiona the cat too much and wants to go home.

Lots of beautiful music this week, good food that I can eat and really enjoy without worry (and lots of options too), time in the swimming pool (even if that does always end in tears), and making new friends.

Of course, b/c we're at camp and have a full day tomorrow, it's 8pm and the kids are asleep and I'm on the laptop. No fireworks for us.

A Woman of a Certain Age

For some reason, upon turning 35, I began using the phrase "now that I'm a woman of a certain age".

for example:

now that i'm a woman of a certain age, i'm going to wear shoes with purple sequins on them

now that i'm a woman of a certain age, i'm going to wear a 2 piece swimsuit

you get the idea.

i guess i'm just tired of feeling self-conscious or awkward all the time. life is short. God made me who I am - God made me what I look like.

I think the turning point for me was the realization that I've lost a lot of weight these last few years. Hooray me. I weigh now what I did in high school. Hooray me. I can still look in the mirror and think I look portly.

So clearly the problem wasn't the number on the scale. I mean, it's good to be healthy, but changing how I see myself doesn't necessarily start with changing what I look like.

so, now that i'm a woman of a certain age, i think i'm finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin.

Mother's Day Lunch

Today was my 4th annual Mother's Day Lunch. A lovely time was had by hostess and guests.

And now on to the food.

My aim was to only serve foods I could eat (how selfish I know), so everything was gluten and dairy free - and by nature of the recipes I found, also refined sugar free.

Strawberry Soup

(i ended up using way more strawberries than called for to give it a more strawberry taste, and then when i served it, i drizzled a little full-fat coconut milk on top in a swirly pattern)

Chicken kebabs on the grill (thanks to Steve for cooking them) with zucchini and bell peppers

Spring Mix Salad with a balsamic vinaigrette and a pomegranate vinaigrette

Bacon wrapped Asparagus (and then some sauteed asparagus on the side when I ran out of bacon)

Lemon Bars

(used extra lemon zest not called for in recipe)

Coconut Cream Pie

(added lime zest to the coconut cream layer, used coconut cream in the chocolate layer, and added vanilla to the coconut cream topping) - and so I call this one Coconut-Lime Cream Pie

Chocolate cupcakes made from a mix from King Arthur Flour company - I used this recipe idea for the chocolate frosting on top

Life

I've been busy.

It's exhausting being in the real world.

Last weekend, I turned 35.  Didn't do a whole lot because a kid had a fever.

I'm considering this coming weekend as my do-over :)

Lots o' teaching. It's fun. I just have weeny stamina for subbing and teaching and dealing with my kids.

Next week is back to normal though.

Too tired to regale you with witty stories.

zzzzzzzzz

Crafting!

I had the opportunity yesterday to hang out with two wonderful people.  Back in the Fall, I saw "A" for the first time in 10 years.  We've been hanging out about once a month as our schedules allow, and it is a wonderful thing.  "K" was my first roommate in college.  It had been about 15 years since I had seen her!  We had a great time laughing, reminiscing, and learning new things about each other. (I went to high school and college with both K and A, and was roommates with them at different times)

I was also forced to do crafts.

A is a librarian. Her library offered a card making class. Do you know me? You know I don't do crafts... but I do try to be willing to try new things.

The person in charge explains everything. I lean over to A and say "this isn't card-making, it's scrap-booking!"  Oh the horrors. There were stamps and inks and punch out things and oodles of card stock...also ribbons...and RHINESTONES.

I do have lots of friends who like to go on scrap-booking retreats...like scrap-booking for 48 hours. OMG.  I get the hanging out and the fun part of it...but so much crafting *shudder*

The person in charge had tidy packets put together to make 5 different cards (I did 4). There were printed instructions with pictures and words. There were 2 people walking around helping. With all that, I was in fact able to produce 4 lovely cards. Are they perfect? No. Are they better than anything else I've ever done craft-wise? YES!

So no, I'm not holding it against A for forcing me to craft in my free time. Haha. I suppose I can thank her for making me a better person in the long run ;)

And most importantly, amidst the crafting, there was laughter and fun.

I look forward to more visits with these lovely ladies.

Maundy Thursday

I took the girls to a Maundy Thursday service tonight - we went to the church we took Mama T. to... mainly b/c I know what to expect, it's close by, and I know how long it will last (since I'm bringing the kids past their bedtime).

It was a beautiful service - a good message on what it means that Jesus washed the disciple's feet, communion, beautiful music, beautiful prayers.

When I went 2 years ago with Mama T., the service opened with the song "Just Breathe". It moved me to tears.  Tonight, it was a blessing to me to hear it again. (i was not familiar with this song prior to that service)

And then, to top it off, the service closed with the hymn "what wondrous love is this" - I knew this song as a bluegrass hymn that I put on a bedtime CD for the girls. Even tho' we heard the regular version, they both recognized it right away.

I normally play my violin at church, and am not standing with the girls during worship. It blessed my heart tonight to stand with them and hear their sweet voices singing.

Twiddlin' Thumbs

No one has ever said to me "hey, stop working so hard"

I like to relax.

I have, however, reached my limit on relaxing. Not quite going out of my mind, but the things I might do to pass the time are things I can't do.  I'm actually feeling pretty good, but it's the twisting and the lifting, etc... that I'm avoiding.

I will however cherish these last few moments of recuperation b/c I'm going to be very (for me) busy in the next few weeks.

So here's to doing nothing....

zzzzzzzzz

Post GB Day

Surgery went well.  The nurses and staff were all very nice yesterday.  My pastor stopped by prior to surgery to pray with Mom and I.

Scar tissue was not an issue, so the surgery went quickly and smoothly. I got pictures of it too.

I do have pain, and I do have pain and nausea drugs (although a side effect of the nausea drug is...nausea).  They work and give me terrible dry mouth, which I guess is good b/c it's forcing me to stay very hydrated.

They do not help with the gas pain. (don't worry, not gas like toots) ;)  They inflate the abdomen with gas to make it easy to do what they need to do, and you just have to wait for the body to reabsorb it.  It can even cause left shoulder pain (which I did experience yesterday) b/c of how the anatomy is.

So mainly, I'm very slow moving, and I don't even want to think about bending over.

I'm holding out hope that I could teach on Monday, but I won't really know until tomorrow.

GB Day!

Today's the day.

aaahhhhhh

$%#@

Even if my kids didn't go to public school, they would be exposed to the ways of the world.

Yesterday, I got to explain the word "bitch" to the girls. It was written on something on the playground (I think - not entirely sure, but it was written somewhere outside on something)

We had a nice calm discussion about it. We talked about what it really means, how people use it, etc...

So. That was fun.

Due Date

T-minus 1 day to gallbladder surgery. It's not quite as exciting as having a baby I'm afraid.

The last time I had surgery was the c-section, and that was a pretty big deal. In comparison, this is not a big deal at all.

I'm not even that worried about the surgery itself, but there is something about general anesthesia that kind of freaks me out.

I've perhaps been bordering on the morose..."what if i die?" kind of stuff... which led me to write something for the girls to read in case I die... you know, like the stuff I want them to know in life, and stuff about sex and their bodies, and what kind of people I want them to be.

I've saved it as a file on my computer - b/c really, we never know when we're going to die, and I told Steve it's there...and I also told him he's not allowed to read it unless I'm dead b/c I'd be too embarrassed. :)

So as I'm working on this letter to the girls, I'm really forced to examine the question

"what do I want to pass on to my children?"

and also

"am I already doing these things?"

so in that sense I think it was a very worthwhile exercise... to stop and reflect on what lessons I want to pass on, and to examine how effectively i'm passing those lessons on.

Spring Break and the Gallbladder

This week is spring break for us - the girls went to Granny's for a couple of days, and we took advantage of that and the beautiful weather...We took a train ride into Fort Worth and walked around, enjoying the sites.

One of the things I really enjoyed about living in PA was the public transportation. I enjoyed riding the trolleys and the subways.   (I still don't like riding buses)  Taking the opportunity to ride the train forced us to walk around the city more than we would have otherwise. It's just a totally different experience. We enjoyed lunch in the city, went to the bookstore, and then headed back home.  There's not a whole lot to see right where we were, but it was fun nonetheless.  (pictures on Facebook)

I got the call this week for my gallbladder surgery. It'll be a week from tomorrow.  I wouldn't say that i'm particularly looking forward to it, but I am hopeful that it will help some of my issues.

The girls came home today. I don't think they missed us at all, and that's how it should be. They had a great time (as they always do with grandparents).

Today it wasn't too hot - after a morning/lunch outing with a friend and her kids, I enjoyed reading a magazine in the backyard. The simple things.

Today my heart felt full.

Back Update

The rhizotomy went well. Sedation is such a weird thing for me - having vague memories of things, but not being entirely sure...it's unsettling.

I had a lot of soreness on Friday after the procedure, but by Saturday, most of the soreness from the procedure was gone.  There is still some tenderness at the sites where the needles went in, but really only tender to the touch.  Already I'm noticing a big difference in my pain levels - and it should continue to get better over the next week or so.

Hooray!

Up next, a meeting with a surgeon Thursday morning to discuss my gallbladder.  It's as fun as a barrel of monkeys around here.

Yay!

Today's the day - rhizotomy day. Hooray! Feeling very hopeful about this procedure.

Fingers crossed :)

The Gallbladder

After a ton of back and forth with tests and medicines, etc... I got a referral today to see a surgeon (next week) about getting my gallbladder out.

Weee.

Connection

Sometimes I am struck by how different my children are from me. How different they are from each other.  This whole idea of being related but being so different is foreign to me. I'm an only child from a relatively small family.

When I look at my children, I see the strings that connect me to them, as if we each had a string tied around our wrist, and stretching out to the other.  I like purple, so it's a purple string in my mind.  If I pull too tightly on the string, it could cause them pain, or possibly even break.  If I don't leave enough slack in the string, then they won't find their own way.

So often I feel like the grouchy parent.  Last night, he was out running some errands. I was in my room watching TV, and the girls were playing.  There was laughter that quickly turned to yelling.  I got up, prepared to unleash my wrath at how rude they were being to each other.  I went to the door of their room only to find the younger tickling the elder unmercilessly. It was hilarious. I started laughing. The elder said "don't just stand there! do something already!" I couldn't, I was laughing too hard.  At one point, the younger said "let me at that tummy! let me at that tummy!" nestling her head around, trying to tickle her sister's stomach. It was too much. I laughed so hard I had tears coming down my face.

When the tickle fest came to a close, we had the obligatory talk about respecting someone else's body, etc...

I'm glad that I took the moment to observe and ultimately enjoy before going straight to the discipline.

*i normally feel stupid trying to express my feelings or inner thoughts in writing b/c they don't ever come out right - that's why i stick to stories or "here's what happened" - so this was my little foray into trying to explain what was going through my medicine-addled head as i lay here resting up from an upper respiratory infection.