A holy thought

When I had the rhizotomy procedure on my back, it was supposed to last for 6 months.  It went well beyond that, and I am so grateful. It is a good thing to remember how bad things were and how much it was helped.

Especially now.  These last few months, the back has definitely been feeling it.  It's not the nerve pain down my legs, just the regular arthritis, degenerative disc, overuse of muscle pain.

I get frustrated because it seems like there aren't many options for me.  I can't do pain pills for a variety of reasons...plus it's not a long term solution...I need to get a good chiropractor and/or masseuse, but that just alleviates, doesn't fix. Whine whine whine. 

After Christmas, Steve hurt his back pretty badly.  He's got a big fancy brace and gets to take medicines, and hopefully they will be able to fix him.  And so in my selfishness, I'm like "hey, that's no fair!"

It's stupid I know.

So last week was kind of emotional for me.  I found myself getting angry a lot.  What I came to realize was that because I was in so much pain, I had nothing left, and therefore my fuse was super short.

I asked for lots of prayer on Sunday, both for myself and for Steve.  After they prayed for awhile, I was asked if I felt anything.  No... But I did have this picture come to mind...

I was browsing around the internet, wasting time...it was one of those. "Here's what you can do with your leftover crap" picture things.  One picture was a fence that had a lot of holes in it. The holes were filled in with glass stones or marbles.

So here's my thought.  What if God is calling me to live with pain? Even if it's just for another month, that's a long time when you are in pain...and what if it's ten years like my mom before she found healing...or what if it's the rest of my life...am I doomed to be a grumpy pain in the butt to my loved ones? I don't think anyone wants that.

So I'm the hole-y fence, and Jesus is going to fill in the holes with beauty...with jewels..with whatever...he's going to fill in the gaps because as a fence, I can't grow new parts. 

So theres my deep and and holy thought for the day.

Shelly

My dear friend Shelly passed away this last Sunday after a long battle with brain cancer.

My friendship with her was, in many ways, due to her cancer. It defined our relationship.

I had had some interactions with Shelly via an online church forum, and sort of met her in the bathroom at a wedding. My first real introduction to her was really the day before she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I was pregnant with Willow. For some reason, after getting her car back to her house (b/c she couldn't drive from the pain), I felt compelled to clean her apartment. I was very pregnant and very lazy. She moved out of that apartment shortly after - her mom moved to Philly and they found a different place together.

I didn't know her well enough when she was having the surgery and the rehab, and when Willow was born, she and her mom showed up at the hospital. I was very surprised b/c, like I said, i didn't know her that well yet. She brought a baby gift - a little pink bunny. That is still Willow's favorite stuffed animal that she sleeps with every night.

We were both out of the hospital, and she couldn't drive. We started taking her to church with us. I started hanging out with her. As she got better, she would drive us places and babysit. She's the one who taught Willow how to do most things with crafts. She taught her how to use a computer. She had unending patience and a gentle spirit.

Once, she almost broke my kid. I think it was Rose. I had told her that Rose could crawl down the stairs, but Rose tried to walk down (Shelly couldn't lift her). So Rose tumbled to the bottom. She was totally fine, not even a scratch - but I did like to tease her about almost breaking my kid.

We would regularly go out for breakfast in those earlier days - I'd tell her stories about our family, and we'd joke that I needed to draw her a family tree. She repeated herself a lot, and sometimes forgot things, but honestly, I didn't know her as a different person.

She came to visit us in TX after we moved. She was sweet and patient with my grandmother - she even seemed to enjoy playing cards with my grandmother (my most dreaded chore). Even though she dealt with her own issues, she always asked after Mama T. and how she was doing. She cared deeply about how we were doing spiritually.

It meant so much to me that Willow was baptized before Shelly died. I think it really meant a lot to Shelly to know that Willow had chosen to do this, and on the day of her baptism, I was very sad that Shelly was not with us to celebrate.

I got to see her this summer. We were praying for her at church when I was overcome by grief and weeping as I hugged her. The moment passed, and after church, a group of us went out to lunch. She enjoyed drawing pictures with Willow and Rose. When we left Philly to head back to the shore, Steve said "I have a feeling that may be the last time the girls see her". And that's when it hit me. That grief I had felt at church was the grief of losing her. I think God was beginning to prepare me for that happening soon.

The Thursday before she died, I called to talk to her mom. She put Shelly on the phone. She couldn't talk - there were just quiet vocalizations. I don't even really remembered what I told her. I know I told her we loved her, and that I wanted her to rest in the arms of Jesus and to feel His peace.

The day that she died I was at church. We had just finished pre-church prayer, I went to check my phone. I had a text from a friend asking if I was going to make it out. Instantly, I knew what it was about. I got on Facebook and saw the post saying she had passed. I was with friends who had been regularly praying for her. I cried. I went to tell my girls. They were so sad. Willow, crying, said "I was just looking at a picture we drew together this morning". We hugged and felt our sadness. It was hard. It is hard to feel grief and loss, but it is necessary to feel it to move through it.

I was very thankful for Facebook that day - reading other people's remembrances helped me as I grieved.

Last year, as Shelly began to decline, she asked me if I wanted her to remove herself from the girls' lives. Without even a thought, I said "no, you are a part of our family." and she was. She was a friend, an aunt, a godmother in the spiritual sense of the word. I told the girls what Shelly had asked. They both said "Shelly is a part of our family. We love her"

She is and we do.

Food

I came across this blog entry, and it really put into words what I've felt in regards to eating with others, going out to eat, etc... It's something I really enjoy doing, but something that feels like such a high-maintenance challenge with my food avoidances.

It's been a year, or a little more, now since going gluten and dairy free. I'm also finding that potatoes are a once in a while food for me, and that eggs may be causing some issues as well.  Grr.

It may seem silly... but having a dog is helping. I can worry about her issues instead of my own ;)  Over the summer, I had to particular episodes of anxiety/panic that upon reflection when I was calm, were both related to food issues.

I've read that when you eliminate problem foods, that often they can be introduced back into the diet after allowing your gut to heal.  It's possible that I may be able to do this at some point. It's possible I could try it now... but the reality for me is that the thought of doing it at this point causes me anxiety.

So for now, it continues. Hooray.

A Dog!

The last time I had a dog as a pet, I was probably less than 6 yrs old.  I've wanted a dog for a long time. Recently, things came together in the right way at the right time for that to happen.

Now, go ahead and judge me. I didn't get my dog from a shelter. I've wanted a papillon for a long time now for a variety of reasons. I did check adoption groups, etc... but I wasn't interested in a senior dog at this time.

I found a lady online, and googled the heck out of it to make sure she wasn't a scam.  We met her a pet store on Saturday, and got a dog.

Her name is Lily. She's already bonding with me, and doing well. She's 7 months old.

And now the obsession over "is she pooping enough" begins. Fun times.

She's small - just over 3 pounds. She probably won't get much bigger. I really never saw myself as having such a small dog. Papillons can be up to 11-12 pounds. But again, a variety of factors were in play here, and when it's all said and done, i do feel like she was the right choice for many reasons.

So.

I'm a dog person now.

Or I'm a cat person that has a dog who is pretty cat-like. Haha.

Quick Update

I've gotten in such a habit of putting pictures and captions on facebook that I haven't thought to blog in awhile.

We drove across the country - which is something I swore I would never do again. The kids did great. I was a little whiny after about 48 hours in the car in total.  The time at the shore was wonderful - seeing Philly friends again after 4 years was wonderful.

I'm busy with teaching...maybe that's why I'm not blogging more - b/c the things going on that are interesting to me are things I can't share b/c of respecting people's privacy, and that's a very big chunk of life right now.

I just did some Suzuki teacher training. It was wonderful. I learned a lot, had a lot of insights.

I saved up a lot of moolah to bring my kids to Suzuki camp this week and to give them the treat of staying on campus. We're having a wonderful time. Of course both kids had meltdowns today and one kid misses Fiona the cat too much and wants to go home.

Lots of beautiful music this week, good food that I can eat and really enjoy without worry (and lots of options too), time in the swimming pool (even if that does always end in tears), and making new friends.

Of course, b/c we're at camp and have a full day tomorrow, it's 8pm and the kids are asleep and I'm on the laptop. No fireworks for us.

A Woman of a Certain Age

For some reason, upon turning 35, I began using the phrase "now that I'm a woman of a certain age".

for example:

now that i'm a woman of a certain age, i'm going to wear shoes with purple sequins on them

now that i'm a woman of a certain age, i'm going to wear a 2 piece swimsuit

you get the idea.

i guess i'm just tired of feeling self-conscious or awkward all the time. life is short. God made me who I am - God made me what I look like.

I think the turning point for me was the realization that I've lost a lot of weight these last few years. Hooray me. I weigh now what I did in high school. Hooray me. I can still look in the mirror and think I look portly.

So clearly the problem wasn't the number on the scale. I mean, it's good to be healthy, but changing how I see myself doesn't necessarily start with changing what I look like.

so, now that i'm a woman of a certain age, i think i'm finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin.

Mother's Day Lunch

Today was my 4th annual Mother's Day Lunch. A lovely time was had by hostess and guests.

And now on to the food.

My aim was to only serve foods I could eat (how selfish I know), so everything was gluten and dairy free - and by nature of the recipes I found, also refined sugar free.

Strawberry Soup

(i ended up using way more strawberries than called for to give it a more strawberry taste, and then when i served it, i drizzled a little full-fat coconut milk on top in a swirly pattern)

Chicken kebabs on the grill (thanks to Steve for cooking them) with zucchini and bell peppers

Spring Mix Salad with a balsamic vinaigrette and a pomegranate vinaigrette

Bacon wrapped Asparagus (and then some sauteed asparagus on the side when I ran out of bacon)

Lemon Bars

(used extra lemon zest not called for in recipe)

Coconut Cream Pie

(added lime zest to the coconut cream layer, used coconut cream in the chocolate layer, and added vanilla to the coconut cream topping) - and so I call this one Coconut-Lime Cream Pie

Chocolate cupcakes made from a mix from King Arthur Flour company - I used this recipe idea for the chocolate frosting on top